Awake and thinking.

So it is 12:35, and I should be asleep because I have a busy day ahead of me, but I can't stop thinking. I went to two wakes today. Two. In one day. That is just sad in itself. And the first one was at the funeral home where we had my Oma's wake and funeral. When I walked in, I felt sixteen again, like it was just yesterday when we were there. I could remember it perfectly. And honestly, I do not think about it that much. You get so involved in your day to day busy hectic life, and you forget. But I remembered. How her face looked weird and not like herself in the casket. My dad crying. The German singers singing for her. The outfit that I wore. And how I was at the Peer Leadership Haunted House when I found out, and I cried outside for awhile, wiped my face, and then went back in, and no one noticed that I was upset. And I didn't talk about it. You don't appreciate someone when they are here. My Oma was loud, rude, even mean sometimes. But she was feisty, proud, and tough, and I wish that she was still here so I could appreciate her. I can't believe that was almost four years ago.

So that was really depressing. I have been pretty happy lately. Relatively at least. I have been busy so that is good. But, I don't know. I have been happy with my life, but unhappy with my self I guess? I feel huge. And I know that I am not. But then, I don't know. I am so used to being tiny, being the little one, that could fit into all her clothes, and was always losing weight, not gaining it. But now, I feel gross. And I find myself thinking maybe I will get sick so I will be smaller. And that is just disgusting. And obviously bad. And I wouldn't want to freak anyone out. I am just so used to not having to exercise, being too tired and not always hungry, and always sick. And now I have all this energy, and I am always hungry, but have no motivation to work out, and no time. I just look at pictures from years passed, and I was so little. My face was thin. And I look at pictures from now, and just no. And yes, I know that back then I was sick. I looked underweight and sickly. But I guess that is just what I am used to? It is weird being a normal person. Don't get me wrong, I am glad to be somewhat healthy right now. And I want it to stay that way. I guess I just didn't get that it would be such an adjustment. I did not understand how much my life was controlled by this disease until it stopped. I just want to look at myself and be happy. I think the wakes put me in this weird mood and now I am being really depressing. Sorry for the sadness. I am fine. Really. Just weird. Being normal and healthy is weird. A good weird though.

Okay so don;t judge me by this post because it is late and I am sad because of the depressing deathness. Maybe Grey's Anatomy will cheer me up. Except a lot of people die on there too. Ugh.