The Wheel of the World

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As a kid, I was terrified of fireworks. I remember sitting in my parents' Civic every Fourth of July, with my head down and my hands covering my ears, attempting to block out the roar of the lights above. I did not understand why everyone loved them so much. Yes, they were pretty colors, but I felt that the burning hues could fall and singe my skin at any second. The deafening, booming explosions were absolutely horrifying- so boisterous that I thought I could hear the fireworks echo inside me, explode, boom, boom, boom, with my heartbeat.

I used to be afraid of a lot of things- going on a plane, having blood drawn, the Fright Fest monsters at Six Flags, swallowing pills, anesthesia, surgery, heights, dogs- but not anymore. I conquered those pesky fears like the booming fireworks. I have come to view myself as a independent, confident, and brave young woman. Yet, there is one battle that seems I will never even begin, let alone win. Love. Happiness. The whole package. I just yearn for that one person that will be in my life "permanently forever." I am envious of those around me, who seem to have it all figured out, but I cannot even make it to the other side. Hell, I am not even close. Sometimes, I will get lost in my own head, just thinking why? What makes me different from everyone else? Am I just not a good person? Not pretty? Not interesting? And then I think that I sound like a little whiny high school girl who is dying for a boyfriend just because all of her friends are in relationships. But it isn't like that. Maybe I am not ready for a full-on committed relationship, and God knows that I do not have the time. But, the possibility for even a glimpse of love does not seem possible in my life. I feel trapped in my own head and cannot reach out. I am stuck.

I worry that I will not remember what it feels like
To be adored, desired, taken care of.
That I am slipping back through time
To the Before,
When kisses and hand holding
Was just in romance paperbacks and television dramas.
I was finally a part of the world around me
And now I am slowing being dragged backward,
Towards loneliness and I am imprisoned.